Written: Tuesday, May 29 @ 21:30
It seems I am learning quite a few lessons on this trip, and then I’m learning them again and relearning. Ah well, repetition seems to be what I need. On our way toward the albergue I mentioned in the last post, the San Nicolas de Flue, where we spent Sunday night, we passed through the very nice town of Molinaseca. It was quite beautiful with a river running through the center of town, a fine medieval bridge we crossed, and plenty of lodging opportunities. I remember thinking that it might be a good idea to stop there for the night, given the relative state of our health at that point.
But Kat said she was interested in heading on to the interesting sounding albergue near Ponferradas. I took that to mean, “Let’s go there; that’s exactly what we need to do.” So, instead of practicing a little of my own assertiveness and stating what I knew to probably be a better course, I kept my mouth shut and went along with what Kat said she “wouldn’t mind doing.”
Subsequently, we spent a rather difficult night in a larger city, a type of locale we’ve already determined really isn’t “us.” We struggled through the inconveniences of albergue life – something that is not too bad when we’re healthy but is quite taxing when we’re not. Again today and several other times on this trip, I’ve been struggling through when and how to assert my own opinions, desires, and judgments in this marriage with a very strong woman.
Perhaps I’m getting too personal for a blog article, but alas, this is the medium I’ve chosen for capturing my log of this journey and perhaps more beyond. Maybe there are those who will read this and identify in some way. I don’t know if it’s my upbringing or something learned along the way, but I do have a pretty difficult time with assertiveness in certain circumstances and particularly where my relationships with women are concerned. My good friend, Heather, gave me grief for a time about being assertive, and I guess she had a point with which I am still coming to grips.
I generally feel that it is my duty as the mate to my wife to discover and prefer her desires over mine. That may not be an entirely terrible thing, but it has somehow twisted in me in a couple of ways. It means that I sometimes resent her when those desires conflict with my own. And I ofttimes don’t express an idea or opinion that might ultimately prove more beneficial to my wife and to us both for me to lead us in a different direction. Sunday in Molinaseca was a good example. If I’d been paying more attention to our combined physical state and been willing to take a contradictory position, I would have found us a nice private place to stay in Molinaseca and helped get us on a better road to healing. I don’t precisely know what it will take, but I have got to become more aware of the times when I need to be aware and assertive in a healthy way, either strictly for myself and my needs or for decisions that will benefit Kat and me both.